Emotional Dump Rant

So today I realised something. I hate myself. More than anyone, or anything else on this planet. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone better. Someone kind and honest and true to herself. Someone who doesn't run away from the things that she can't quite find an answer for. The current me? I'm only truly honest in my poetry. I'm too much of a coward to tell the truth about things that matter. I don't like the way I live my life, but I'm too scared to change it. Scared that, while I hate the current me, I might end up hating the changed me even more... Scared that the friends I have will forget about me. Will leave because I'm not the same. But really, most of all... I'm scared that the person I change myself into would be perfect. Would be someone so likeable and fun to be around, someone who's good at everything... Or at least good at seeming like she's good at everything... I'm so scared of that happening, and then forgetting why I became that way in the first place and going back to... This. A scared, slightly overweight, plain looking almost-adult. The person who couldn't even tell her best friend the truth about having depression and anxiety. The person who couldn't stand up for herself  for years because she couldn't get past that one stupid thing that happened when she was eleven years of age. The person who let her past haunt her and drive her into some really... Stupid things.

So yeah, I hate myself because I'm a coward and not brave enough to go ahead and take the leap. But more than that, I hate myself because I hate the way I lead my life. I hate myself, because if I met "me" in person, I'd look at her and think she was pathetic.