Emotional Dump Rant

So today I realised something. I hate myself. More than anyone, or anything else on this planet. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone better. Someone kind and honest and true to herself. Someone who doesn't run away from the things that she can't quite find an answer for. The current me? I'm only truly honest in my poetry. I'm too much of a coward to tell the truth about things that matter. I don't like the way I live my life, but I'm too scared to change it. Scared that, while I hate the current me, I might end up hating the changed me even more... Scared that the friends I have will forget about me. Will leave because I'm not the same. But really, most of all... I'm scared that the person I change myself into would be perfect. Would be someone so likeable and fun to be around, someone who's good at everything... Or at least good at seeming like she's good at everything... I'm so scared of that happening, and then forgetting why I became that way in the first place and going back to... This. A scared, slightly overweight, plain looking almost-adult. The person who couldn't even tell her best friend the truth about having depression and anxiety. The person who couldn't stand up for herself  for years because she couldn't get past that one stupid thing that happened when she was eleven years of age. The person who let her past haunt her and drive her into some really... Stupid things.

So yeah, I hate myself because I'm a coward and not brave enough to go ahead and take the leap. But more than that, I hate myself because I hate the way I lead my life. I hate myself, because if I met "me" in person, I'd look at her and think she was pathetic.

Rambles and thoughts and rambling thoughts.

So I've decided that I am going to attempt to write down five minutes of just straight thought into a blog post and hit publish without editing. At all. I am going to do this every day for as long as I can be bothered. Here goes...

For someone who hates pink I sure have alot of it in my room, lots of my dvd cases are pink. Why is everything "for girls" in pink? It's so annoying. Oh, that mouse is running around again. It's so adorable... Must... Resist... Urge... To stare... And capture... Ooh, Amy is home. She'll likely invade sometime soonish, that'll interrupt my five minutes. Drat. Oh well, I'll just post whatever I get down. Wow, I have so many empty ginger beer bottles lying around. I should really do something about that... I think I'll take my trash out tomorrow. How long have I been typing? Oh, only a minute. So many words in such a small amount of time, of course, they probably won't seem nearly enough once I hit post and read over all of this. Amy is talking to Clancy, poor thing, his foot is all bandaged up. Heh, and now that chicken is inside. That's an adorable chicken. IT had better not come into my room, the mouse would be in danger. Poor mouse... I wonder where he vanished to. Hmmm, msn is flashing... I'll check that in a minute when I run out of time. My mind blanked for a moment there... How strange. I think maybe I should sleep early tonight. Even though I've got the day off tomorrow... I didn't really get all that much sleep. Need to play catch up now. What time is it now, come to think of it.. Oh, my time is up. Drat. No wait... that doesn't count, I've got another minute of thought to go. Um... Blarglesnarfle.

~Elissa

Letter list: my half

OK, so Arcaline from Midnight Memories and I are doing a sort of... letter.. list thing... which originated from boredom on facebook... anyways, we're taking turns. He's starting with A and doing every first letter, and I'm starting with B and doing every second letter of the alphabet. So his half is coming soon, here's my half:


B
Something I like: Blood
Something I hate: Bullying
Something I love: Bats (they're just so darn cute... :D)
Something that's bad: Bragging
Something I'm not: Beautiful
Something that I am: Bubbly


D
Something I like: Daggers
Something I hate: Driving
Something I love: Dolls
Something that's bad: Drow.
Something I'm not: Disgusting
Something that I am: Dangerous ( As far as you know, anyway >:3 )


F
Something I like: Flowers
Something I hate: Frowning
Something I love: Fleece
Something that's bad: Frost
Something I'm not: Funny
Something that I am: Freaky


H
Something I like: Hats
Something I hate: Hopelessness
Something I love: HETALIA
Something that's bad: Horns...
Something I'm not: Haughty
Something that I am: Happy! :D


J
Something I like: Jousting.
Something I hate: Jealousy
Something I love: Jo-- keeping that one secret.
Something that's bad: Jaundice.
Something I'm not: Jelly.
Something that I am: Jiggly.


L
Something I like: Lollipops
Something I hate: Lonliness
Something I love: Lavender?
Something that's bad: Laundry.
Something I'm not: Lovely
Something that I am: Ludicrous.


N
Something I like: Noms!
Something I hate: No noms!
Something I love: NOMS!
Something that's bad: Not having NOMS!
Something I'm not: Noms :<
Something that I am: Noms?


P
Something I like: Parrots.
Something I hate: Prejudice.
Something I love: Pandas
Something that's bad: Pain?
Something I'm not: Pixelated.
Something that I am: Pleasurable?


R
Something I like: Raffles.
Something I hate: Racism
Something I love: Rain!
Something that's bad: Reapers.
Something I'm not: Ravishing
Something that I am: Real.


T
Something I like: Trains.
Something I hate: Trucks. (They're big and scary!)
Something I love: Turtles
Something that's bad: T-- (Ican'tthinkofanything.)
Something I'm not: Triplets.
Something that I am: Turnip. (totally.)


V
Something I like: Vegetables.
Something I hate: Vampires (that sparkle)
Something I love: Verselth. (Kinda)
Something that's bad: Vanity.
Something I'm not: Vegan.
Something that I am: Voluptuous?


X
Something I like: Xena.
Something I hate: X-Box.
Something I love: XP
Something that's bad: Xeroma
Something I'm not: Xena.
Something that I am: XVIII.


Z
Something I like: Zuccini.
Something I hate: Zul'Gurub. (FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)
Something I love: Z.
Something that's bad: Z.
Something I'm not: Zoologist.
Something that I am: Zany?

So..

I need to rant. You ready? Quite a few questions are going to be asked here.

Jumping right in.

Rant in, 3, 2, 1… GO~!

Why do people always, ALWAYS, put the blame for things on other people? Why does everything have to be someone else’s fault? Or anybody’s fault at all.

Is it so hard to look at something and go “Yeah, it was my fault.” or “Okay, it’s broken. Oh well.” And move on without drama?

And what about all those resolutions people make? “I’m giving up alchohol” “I’m quitting smoking” “I’m going to get fit” “I’ll stop being such a jerk” “I’ll try” … They give them up so easily. All it takes is one or two things going wrong and they throw it in a metaphorical hat to the ground. 

It’s not all like that though, some people take the blaming others in the opposite way.. “It’s all my fault.” and “It broke, I didn’t touch it, but it’s my fault anyway” “If I hadn’t done that one thing…” And get themselves so down over the tiniest things.

And resolutions that go from “I’m going to make my life better” to “I’m going to lock myself up and hide from everything.” 

And the complainers, with their “My life sucks” and “I don’t know what to do.” Who go to you asking for advice, which you willingly give. Only to have them come back the next day with the same problem, not having done One. Single. Bloody. Thing.

Those people, they don’t understand. I’m not a counsellor, I’m not a psychologist, psychiatrist or even a doctor. I’m just a friend. I’m there to listen. But there’s only so much I can do. I have my own problems too, and I don’t have all the answers.

People piss me off. Not all people mind you, some people get it right. Some people, it just takes time. Some people you can get through to. But some people… They just don’t get it.